He said: “What was your mother’s last days like.? What were her last words ? “
As I started telling him, I had tears on my cheek and heavy breath. Is it because he is the first person to ever ask that question? Or is it because I have triggers all of the time out of the blue? Whatever it is , it still hurts! Hurt as if I have never dealt with this pain before. In my mourning I barely had time to cry it out so I still deal with grief every day. That doesn’t mean that I still grieve because I never had a chance to do so properly. (Not that there is a better way to do so) 😌.
As far as I know, love will stay as long as you live. I start feeling like grief is the same. It might take the hurt down a notch, but it’s going to be there as you live. You will feel it from a place you never thought you had. It will suck everything you have in you. Grief makes you mold your love into who you want them to be at a specific time. You imagine who they’d be, what they’d say and what reaction they’d have toward the choices you are making. You feel the pain of imagining what death has torn away. Grief makes you see the person you are in every situation of your life which hurt, because you can’t express your love to them.
Cancer is still taking people from us, it is still making us orphans, widows etc.. which really isn’t helping out the grieving. It causes you to imagine the pain that person went through. It still makes you remember how much morphine and oxys they took to feel better. It takes you to a place where you remember how much they were dealing with physically and emotionally. It takes you to a place where you are like, “How does it feel to see your hair gone? How does it feel to see your kids taking care of you? How does it feel to not have any caregiver just because you’ve been sick forever?”
So I always wonder instead, what I would for someone going through cancer to not to feel alone? Early on last year, I posted an article saying that “Bold is the new fashion” to realize that it is easier said than done. So I decided to shave my hair for anyone losing their hair through chemo. I hope I made at least one person feel supported and feel that I know how it’s not always a good feeling. So now you know the reason behind my boldie Revolution.
The face I make when I know cancer ain’t shit.
People losing fight against it are WARRIORS.