Long run of Grief•••

He said: “What was your mother’s last days like.? What were her last words ? “

As I started telling him, I had tears on my cheek and heavy breath. Is it because he is the first person to ever ask that question? Or is it because I have triggers all of the time out of the blue? Whatever it is , it still hurts! Hurt as if I have never dealt with this pain before. In my mourning I barely had time to cry it out so I still deal with grief every day. That doesn’t mean that I still grieve because I never had a chance to do so properly. (Not that there is a better way to do so) 😌.

As far as I know, love will stay as long as you live. I start feeling like grief is the same. It might take the hurt down a notch, but it’s going to be there as you live. You will feel it from a place you never thought you had. It will suck everything you have in you. Grief makes you mold your love into who you want them to be at a specific time. You imagine who they’d be, what they’d say and what reaction they’d have toward the choices you are making. You feel the pain of imagining what death has torn away. Grief makes you see the person you are in every situation of your life which hurt, because you can’t express your love to them.

Cancer is still taking people from us, it is still making us orphans, widows etc.. which really isn’t helping out the grieving. It causes you to imagine the pain that person went through. It still makes you remember how much morphine and oxys they took to feel better. It takes you to a place where you remember how much they were dealing with physically and emotionally. It takes you to a place where you are like, “How does it feel to see your hair gone? How does it feel to see your kids taking care of you? How does it feel to not have any caregiver just because you’ve been sick forever?”

So I always wonder instead, what I would for someone going through cancer to not to feel alone? Early on last year, I posted an article saying that “Bold is the new fashion” to realize that it is easier said than done. So I decided to shave my hair for anyone losing their hair through chemo. I hope I made at least one person feel supported and feel that I know how it’s not always a good feeling. So now you know the reason behind my boldie Revolution.

The face I make when I know cancer ain’t shit.

People losing fight against it are WARRIORS.

The face I make when I know cancer ain’t shit!
People losing fight against it are WARRIORS. 😜

I have a soft spot for anyone going through Chemo
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Just a sneak Peek

Can I open for you the most guarded part of my heart? 💭Yes? 😍Stay turned😍

Can I walk you through my depression? Just a sneak peek 💃cause I know you can’t walk in my shoes ☺. If you’re reading this you must know I once was a caregiver to my amazing MOTHER for three years.  It was the most amazing and wonderful experience; yet painful. If you had known me before that, you must know that I was the most cheerful, caring, loving and patient kid ever.  And if you knew me then , you’d know that I was just isolated, irritated , bothered and disinterested.  I was socially detached, constantly losing weight, and sooo on.

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Did I know what it was? No! Did anybody around me know? No!

Can I tell you how I felt about myself? How was food? Not appetizing at all , real talk.  I was eating like once a week.  I was soooo done with life, constantly in pain, as in the pain in my heart, body and muscles. I promise you, I was the strongest human being then; yet I was losing myself. I was present physically; but absent emotionally.  I hated myself, hated my family, hated any fly, hated living and had so many irrational thoughts. I was just the last person I wanted to live with or to be.

Can I tell you how people around me felt about me? Lolleee, I don’t really want to go there. But let’s make it short, Everyone had their own opinion about the person I was.   I still hear it; but I am immune to it🤩. I must have been numb then, but carrying that weight was pressing on my depression.  The same cruelty that can get you severely depressed. The ignorance around depression is real, that is why the world couldn’t offer a “can I help you?” or “are you really ok?”

Loves look beyond what you see, Every story has two version. Maybe your neighbor, sister, your cousins , your mom, your friend might be going through hell and instead of healing them with kindness, you are being entitled to some irrelevant opinion by thinking that you know even a 3rd of the person they are. Guess what you doing? You are taking advantage of their weakness, you are making them “their life event”  and making their mental health be severe.

Why am I sharing this? Because I strive to see us empowering.

Be kind💖You might think you know; but I  am sure you can’t know how someone’s shoes hurt or feel if you not wearing them.

If you can’t be Kind🤷‍♀, walk away peaceful 💃💃

Things I know now that I wish I knew then!

It’s been a minute loves💕.

Back better than ever; jk. I just lack consistency. Loleu. Jokes aside let’s talk about big things eh? (The Canadian cool “eh” thing). How about I share with you the most powerful experience I have come across on my journey to self-growth… The knowledge of mental health. Coming from Eastern Africa or just Africa I should say, there is this one de-stigmatized topic, ❗Mental Health❗.

One lesson I wish I could have learned a while back,I wish that WE as Africans were taught more about mental health as a whole, growing up.  I mean… how weird is it to see someone talking to themselves? How annoying is it to see someone pacing all the time? How judgmental do we get when we see someone who gets irritated real quick for no reason? Or someone who is just angry and isolated?

I am sure we would not feel this weird If we would have had the opportunity to learn about schizophrenia, anxiety, depression and all the disorders that just come when the chemicals in our body tip their balance.

I had to teach myself about these things that I am now passionate about.  I had to look for all the signs, the whys and the hows.  I had to teach myself to dive in the most de-stigmatized topic around me. I am still learning and still trying to understand mental health; but here is some of the lessons I have learned through it all•••

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It is ok not to be ok: First things first, understand your emotions.  We were taught to toughen up.  We were taught that being strong doesn’t mean not to cry or push away what you’re feeling. There are no inappropriate feelings. Understand yourself and why you might be feeling crappy.

😊Self Compassion: I mean, how come no one ever taught me that I can be kind to myself? Pause- ask have you ever told yourself this👉🏻 this shall pass little heart, everything is going to be okay.   Have you ever sat down with yourself and be like; you are not defined by any life event. You are a spark of divine💛. Long story short, you deserve love and support from yourself! Talk to yourself like you talk to the closest person to your heart.

💕Negative Energy: Love yourself enough to know your worth. Love yourself to say no to negative people. Love yourself to surround yourself with people who validate you and your feelings. Outgrow anyone who doesn’t help you evolve.

🔓Denial is a No No: I personally been there and done that!! Face your demons, I mean this is the deeper level. Get to know yourself to know what it is you feeling. Believe me, denial will only make them catch up to you later. You have to rip the band aid right away loves.

❤️Compassion for others: if you ever get to depression, you understand one thing, there is beyond what the eyes can see. Depression challenges you in ways you have never been challenged before. And believe me it’s not a fun ride but you gain some level of compassion for others. You love deeply.

📝Therapy: I mean having a one-way street relationship is not ideal; but you will enjoy this bestfriend (that’s what I call mine anyway loleuu) but seriously seek professional help.  I don’t know who started de-stigmatizing therapy but it’s a must try!!

Alright Loves ,  I hope you enjoyed the little steps that lead to the big steps. If there is anything that worked for you and you want me to try…

Please share it with me.

Empty Arms on Mother’s Day

It’s the same story all over again!!  May 14th, Roses and gifts for your mom as she is the whole world-wide best mom 🙂 .  Let me tell you why I am being a little bit cynical.  I am secretly jealous.  Jealous of all the people that remind me of the adequacy of celebrating the one who left early.  I would love to celebrate too; but what should I do? Chrysanthemum to a grave? Or hating on all the “Day Well Spent with Mom” posts and pictures? 🙄  Shallout to me and Lulu baby for hating lol.  Mother’s Day is added on that difficult list of moments that have to be spent🤦‍♀️

Yet, I told myself that this year I would not exclude myself from this beautiful day;  but I still can’t help it.  You know why?  I am confronted with advertisements like this👉🏻: “Don’t forget Mother’s Day” and my inside voice would be like :” Anybody buying me a ticket to heaven?”  I am not going to forget it.  I just can’t celebrate it😏 .  Seriously what is this?  Don’t I still have a relationship with her?  Right?  Don’t I still have a mom whether she is in Heaven or with me?  Still, I can’t help it🤷‍♀️.

Anyways☺️ ,  for those who still have their mothers,  PLEASE keep being the TINY HERO in your Queen’s world.  And to all the mothers out there, thank you for being a SUPERHERO and for being the WARRIORS this world needs.  I wish you TWO all the excitements that comes with Mother’s Day❤️.

To the grieving son, daughter and mothers on this day.   I feel your pain, despair and I am sending you my love and hugs.  To the mothers dealing with miscarriage and to those who are trying give life to their own tiny hero, I wish you comfort.  Please keep in mind that there is HOPE.  I will keep you all in my prayers today❤️.

The Burnout Behind a Cancer Caregiver

Letter to Cancer

Dear Cancer,

Remember the first time you showed up in our family?   I was almost 15 years old and I didn’t know anything about you.  My baby brother was just an ignorant kid. 🙂 My sister didn’t know you either (I have an adopted sister by the way).  I remember she wasn’t living with us, but Mom went to see her and told her about you.  The day Mom knew that she was going to have a surgery she first went to my sis and told her what needed to be said!  Then she came to us, me first then my brother.  She explained to me the whole situation and said, “I also told Majou what is going on.  Muga nagasazi urabizi kaciye kabaza ibibazo vyishi muga ntaco nzogaruka”.   All of a sudden I cried (I wish i could tell you all the question my sis asked), my brother on the other hand was like, “Mbe urizwa niki😏?  I was like reka kwigira ikigugu sha.  Do you remember who lost after a year of fight?  YOU my Dear,  YOU!!  And Just so you know,  Mom wasn’t scared of you!!💪🏻

I swear you are unbelievable, you couldn’t even wait for us to heal the wounds? 😣You came back for real!!!  I was grown enough not to cry; but i was thinking WHY?? WHY SO MUCH HATRED? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?  YOU, who do you think you are that you get to decide to be in someone’s life anytime!  But guess what again?  YOU WERE BEATEN AGAIN 🙂 .

At some point, you came back!! AGAIN!!! You waited until Mom and Myself were far from the rest of the family to come back 😏 .   Just between you and me.  Did you think that after all these years, I would still cry?  Or that mom would be scared of you? Pathetic🙄.  WE ARE WARRIORS SO ARE ALL THE FIGHTER !!

You are having fun in people’s lives.  Every time I hear your name my heart hurts!!  I have seen what you are capable of :

  • You have destroyed the most elegant, refined person I know
  • I lost the closest person to my heart because of you
  • You’ve tortured so many people
  • My best friend lost her mom because of you
  • A friend lost his dad and his brother
  • SO many people I know suffered because of you
  • People are suffering because of you
  • We all lost at least one person in our life because of you
  • Caregivers are full of frustration, sadness, anxiety …

Yes, the list is very long!!  But, let me tell you what you did to me.  The appropriate words would be I AM OBSESSED with you dear Cancer!!  I wish I could be a genius oncologist.  I wish I could find a cure right now.  I wish I could meet you and tell you what I think of you.  I know you might be thinking that I can keep wishing; but GUESS what?  I am no longer the crying baby.  I got my eyes on you, and I would never let you win again.  The Good thing is I am not alone in this!! :).  Every single person out there will do whatever it takes to see you gone.  The angels you took will also help.  I WANT YOU TO DISAPPEAR FOR GOOD!  ALL I WANT IS TO SEE YOU GONE! OH HOW ABOUT YOU GO THROUGH CHEMO OR RADIOTHERAPY (🤔) ? CAN YOU PLEASE BE THAT ONE PERSON THAT THE DR ARE TELLING THAT THERE IS NOTHING ELSE THEY CAN DO?

PS : I hope you won’t think of me as someone filled with hatred, because if you do, just remember this, ” I LEARNED FROM THE BEST!!

Sincerely,

ME 🙂

10 Things to do on the 1st Anniversary of Your Loss.

Getting through the first anniversary is such a difficult time; and I don’t think anyone can fill the hole left when you lose a parent, a sibling or someone close.

For me, every single day of March has been bittersweet.  It’s a hard time and it’s the season that shows you that you are still not doing fine yet  :-/.

 I tried to make this first anniversary more significant and  came up with things that are going to make it easier. (I hope so)

 1. First Things first: Church!  My Mom = Prayer, so I am  100 % sure that she is already smiling .

2. Spend time writing about your loved one. (This is my favorite cause I’ll be writing for future  kids)

Mom/Dad Journals
My mom stories to my Kids

3. Work for a cause that will remind you of your loved one. (I do ‘Cans for Cure’ at my work place)

4. Tell a story about your loved one to people who didn’t get a chance to know her/him. (I did)

 5. Go to a place to remember your loved one, where you feel close to them

 6. Talk to someone who’s grieving, you’ll find yourself.

 7. Invite people to dinner. (I don’t feel like it unfortunately. So I’ll go to a fundraising event).

8 . Read emails, messages.  It’s crazy how it will cheer you up. (smiley)

 9. Let’s be gentle with ourselves because we can be emotional

10.Celebrate YOU. You went trough terrible things; but it was only for the best.  YOU ARE NOW STRONGER THAN EVER

The grieving process can be a significant challenge.  There is no one right way to grieve, and no set time for when a person should be done grieving.  However, I believe by addressing your feelings, finding ways to honor their memory, and seeking help.

Let’s ease the grieving process by celebrating the life of our loved one.

Lettre à Maman

               Ce soir là,

Je voyais  ton corps s’affaiblir , A cet instant là,  je savais que bientôt tu allait partir.

Avec l’étreinte de  ta main dans la mienne, Je me demanda comment t’enlever de là.

Je posais une dernière bise sur ton front, Ta main sur ma joue avec espoire que tu puisse

rester encore plus longtemps. Mais en vain. C’est la seule et dernière bataille que t’a pas

pu gagner et nous en étions triste parce que durant toute ces années tu remportais toute

batailles.

                   Et voila un an de cela ,

Je lève mes yeux vers le ciel et je vois ni ciel, ni soleil! Je te vois toi!

Je vois ce beau visage gravé dans ma memoire; Ce sourire que j’ai vu un million de fois

ainsi que ces yeux qui illuminent mes nuits. Et dans mon fin fond je sais que tu es

presente. Mais Juste d’une manière differente.

Si seulement cette lettre pourrait te parvenir, pour te dire que j’avais tort  tu n’a pas perdu!

Il a just fallu que tu veilles sur nous d’un lieu sacré malgrès notre imaturité de le

comprendre et de l’accepter.

ON T’AIMES ET TU NOUS MANQUES.

 

 

 

 

 

Bold is the New fashion.

I was thinking about how chemotherapy weakens the body and dries out the skin on top of the progressive fall of hair that we’re all familiar with.   What most of us ignore is that to overcome these difficulties and to remain strong, we have to take care of ourselves; and I promise it will cheer us up.  In the beginning my mom was really concerned about her hair; but it  didn’t last long as she started to rock this bold style of hers pretty quickly.  Yes! she was the most sassy woman I have ever known❣.  Suddenly I thought about writing something that could help people embrace their new look and make the best out of it.

  Face

Staying and feeling beautiful despite of all the effects of the treatment is a thing within the reach of all us.  A simple make-up can erase all the effects of fatigue and boost our confidence at the same time.  The brightness of our femininity can be restored by retouching a little bit of our face.  Make-up is the 🔑

                                                     talia

Eyebrows

Eyebrows can be  thinned out, a pencil drawing is enough.  I remember that my mom was using a pencil with the same color of her hair or wig.  It was even a more clear tone.   It’s really very traumatizing not having eyebrows.

 How to redraw them? 
eyebrows
– Powder your eyebrows before redrawing them.

– Draw them finely with an eyebrow pencil and BAM!!! Eyebrows on Fleek.

  Nails

Fingernails and feet are often weakened because of the chemotherapy.  They are the easiest part to do.  You just feed them with an oil for nails and cuticles .

  Hair

When you lose hair, you are very depressed, especially when other people’s opinion matter.  I think hair loss could be very badly lived by every woman .

But the good thing are :

  •   The wig : We can choose something similar to our hairstyle.  I would choose a wig before the total fall of my hair.  This way I would still be self-assured.
  • Turbans and scarfs: I hope you know that turbans and scarfs are back in fashion, and recently became again very trendy.  Furthermore, there are dozens of manners to wear them.   Make your turban or your scarf your accessory of style, make it match with your clothes, braid it and (Idk how to do that but I think it’s possible😊), personalize it.

scarfwig

  •   Last but not least  Go Bold and Rock.
go bold
#prettierthananyofyall#